Relationship build vs. Going in for the Kill
From 17 years in sales and marketing, I know the art of selling is to be interested in whatever a person is saying, to not switch off and change the subject during a conversation and to delve deeper into your potential client’s life, be interested in the finer details, and to be bold, brave and borderline inappropriate in your questioning! Always fun when pushing through stuffy midclass English boundaries believe me people love the audacity and of course talking about themselves.
Also beginning communication with the wildly open statements about yourself is always a great icebreaker and sets a benchmark to gauge compatibility from the offset and this is true with all relationships. I know that this kind of courageous communication alongside being unapologetically you gets you noticed, trusted and respected. Ultimately once we are passed the age of 40 we all know that being respected is equally as important as being liked,
When it comes to building a relationship patience is a virtue as is holding tension and not jumping in too fast to making things happen. The key is to savour the delicacy of the present moment and make light where ever possible. I have a gift of making light of pretty much anything like death, disease and dependencies even in the darkest moments. But this is not something I recommend this unless you have the awareness and emotional wherewithal to bring it back with a respectful gesture as swiftly as the heartbeats.
A great way to keep a relationship going is to practice being an active empath. Make sure you connect with the emotions of someone not just the facts in a conversation and sloooooooow it all down, there is nothing worse than trying to communicate with an impatient person.
The sales rule of 80 % listening and 20% talking is all about steering the ship from a few words perspective, literally guiding and holding space for another person is an art form many will never achieve in this lifetime ( cynical as that may sound) If you find your self speaking for more than 50% of any conversation, you are risking the relationship.
So here are 10 relationship communication tools to consider when building a relationship
1. Say ‘I think’ instead of ‘I feel’– First, try this as a process to feel the significance.. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, think about a decision you are going to make, ask yourself how do I feel about making it. Then notice your internal dialogue of the ego (that wants to keep us safe) but what if’s and maybes. Then ask yourself what feels light about that decision, then what feels heavy about that decision. The more you do this the more everything will come from a feeling place as opposed to a thinking place where that same conversation could take hours!
2. It is not about being right or who can talk the loudest– Do you raise your voice to stop someone trying to talk? I know several people that do this when really the information coming out of their mouth is far less relevant than the relationship they are trying to maintain.
If you ever raise your voice, get excited or a little passive-aggressive to try and make yourself heard, then check in with the younger you, your inner child. Are they trying to prove they are right? Prove they know the answers? Show they do not want to be told anything.? Or, do they feel they deserve to be heard above others? If so please do tell your inner child that they are safe and have nothing to prove as you have their back!
3. If you are meeting someone that makes you nervous and you are heading (literally) into a conversation that you feel uncomfortable about I advise you to pre-prepare some thoughtful questions rather than over speak, or stumble over words with haste as this will avoid the likelihood of self- sabotage. You may not even need them, but knowing you have them is a confidence boost.
4. When texting delve deep, get playful and write every text like it means something, you will get a far better outcome than rubbish short term abbreviated texts. Be careful not to make them too long, leave and air of mystery. Whatever you do avoid going into ‘victim’ mode. I had a man chat me up via messenger recently and he told me his whole life fell apart 10 years ago and was still living in the spare room. My instant reaction was, he should be my client and not at all a potential life partner at all. 10 years! Really? He really needs me to be his coach.
5. Do not be covert in any way, be as expressive as you can with as much kindness as you can. If you are being covert, intentionally or not, you are likely to be manipulating a situation based on the outcome you require. Self-aware people can sense this and it leads to mistrust and miscommunication. If you imply but are not clear then this can also create ambiguity so always worth asking if someone understands you fully.
6. Watch out for red flags. Observe your behaviour and visceral responses when with or communicating with anyone, if you are having to amend your communication to suit them, check-in and see if the connection/relationship feels healthy as this could be a sure sign of a co-dependent or toxic relationship. A huge red flag is if you feel uncomfortable because someone is not accepting you for who you are. Differing opinions are fine, but not allowing you to be you or having to face harsh judgement around your beliefs is not! One man who I considered a possible life partner was so stuck on finding reasons to disassociate from my beliefs to avoid his own trauma the relationship completely failed.
7. Timing is not to be underestimated. It is always best to let go of expectations of how communication is going to be received, take things slowly, and remember the beauty in everything is in the journey not necessarily the outcome and everything is temporary so allow time and be patient as things always unfold nicely given a decent amount of space rather than wanting everything now. Saying that if you can feel someone holding back or interest has dropped then you are probably right! It may be time to make a move or walk away.
8. Enjoy each conversation like it is the finest meal you have ever eaten. Be grateful in every moment that you are having that conversation, even if it is less comfortable or you have somewhere to be as you will be learning things about yourself and how you are evolving as a human. Always remember the way you react to others is a direct reflection of you and you only!
9. Further to number 8, do not rush through any conversation, manage expectations along the way. Be respectful of time and be sure to be polite at all times. Things I hear people say are ‘my brain works so fast, I know what the person is going to say before they have said it so I am ready to move on’. This is probably true in many situations, especially when we know someone exceptionally well, but why not slow down and the moment rather than wishing it away and let them express themselves?
10. Be everything you want to attract!